change
Scenes of Change
Slowly but surely the signs of a new season are sprouting in every corner of our home {not to mention in the various aches of my changing body}. A new year came in with great hope for this little one and the searing pain of great loss. As we prepare our home and our hearts to welcome new life into these walls I can’t help but recognize the tension in dealing with the loss of a great life as well. I can’t quite grasp my head around the love our God has for this little one as I know how much our hearts are already so deeply in love and yet He loves Baby more than we ever will. And as I remember this truth I consider how God loves Christen and her family just that much as well. He rejoices in having one of His own with Him in gory and yet simultaneously He mourns with Joe and the kids and the friends and family struck with grief.
If there is anything that I have become more certain of in this first month of the new year, it is that faith and trust of our God cannot be based on what we see around us nor on how we feel. Faith must come from hearing {reading} the word of God {Romans 10:17}. His ways are a mystery. His ways are a mystery. He is NOT a mystery. He is LOVE.
Love in the fullest and truest sense.
Pure and Unblemished.
Holy, Jealous for us Love.
Sent His only Son to die for us Love.
Sacrificial.
Unconditional.
Everlasting.
As we move forward into the next month of this new year working through the grieving of a life passed and preparing for the joy of new life, my desire to know Him more intimately is at a high point. I have become keenly aware of the character of my God laying the foundation for how I can live in His Love for my family’s benefit, the Church’s benefit, His chidlrens’ benefit and my own.
I write in this space with the desire to bless the reader with hope. I pray my words will bring hope through His Love.
The yearly mark of a new year--loving this beautiful, eco-freindly,
handmade calendar from Rethink Ink Design on Etsy.
Years of serving in the nursery at church came in handy when it was time to put this
together {it's now folded up and tucked away nicely in the nursery}.
Mr. Z tried to move this little item into the nursery for safe keeping,
I asked him to keep in the living room a little longer ;-)Read More
Processing Through Grief
Today is a hard day. And I feel trite even saying it as I know many were much closer to Christen, including her husband and two beautiful children. I was just beginning to get to know this beautiful woman and her family. We’ve been going to the same church for years and about once a month would say to each other “we really need to get coffee some time.” We never did share in that experience.
A few months ago I reached out to her to see if she might want to go for walks with me once a week. Being pregnant my runs needed to cease and since we live a stone’s throw from one another I thought why not see if she would be interested. Two walking at night in the city was surely safer than one.
I must confess: I had an ulterior motive. I wanted to learn from her. Over the many years of attending the same church I watched this beautiful woman walk with grace and dignity through this tough life. She loved and respected her husband in ways that I imagine God intended us wives to love our husbands. But it was the way she walked with God and mothered her children that pierced my heart and grew a desire in me to get to know her.
I knew, just like any other mother of young ones, that it wasn’t always easy. But I also saw this woman reach into the depths of her Abba Father and allow Him to cover her in His grace. Joy radiated from her face, no matter what she was going through. No matter what her children may have been up to. No matter what obstacles they may have faced. And this I observed from the peripheral.
I wanted to spend time walking with her and getting to know her. I wanted to learn how to be a good wife and mother from her. I wanted. I wanted.
The door opened for me to serve her a few weeks ago. I wanted to serve her. I wanted to support her. I wanted to know her. As the migraines, vertigo and hearing loss seemed to worsen I offered to bring dinner over one evening. I even offered to help with anything she needed, including cleaning {which is incredible because Lord knows I’ll even go to the dentist to avoid cleaning my house—unless people are coming over of course}. When I got there the Ringle home was spotless. I pleaded to Joe, “I told her I would clean and do whatever she needs.” He laughed and said, “And she wanted to take you up on it, but she just couldn’t let someone into a messy house.” I thought: I know exactly how she feels.
That evening I shared a meal with her and her family. I will treasure that time for the rest of my life. We talked about marriage, the baby on the way, raising godly kids and what we hoped for in the future. We talked about the potential small group Bible study we wanted to do together and the benefit of living so close to one another. I said goodnight to them and wished them a Merry Christmas.
She wasn’t able to attend service on New Year’s Day and her husband was in the worship band so he asked if Mr. Z and I wouldn’t mind picking up their kids and taking them to church. We secured Hudson and Audrey’s care seats in the back of our small SUV and drove these precious little ones to church. When service was over we gathered them up and brought them home to their mama and their grandma. We didn’t dare venture upstairs to see her, we didn’t want to impose on her when she wasn’t feeling well and we had a lunch to attend that afternoon as well. Grandma met us downstairs and walked Audrey upstairs while my husband carried little Hudson. He helped them into the apartment and we were off. I had to briefly run back in and from the top of the stairs she thanked us. On New Year’s Day I heard her voice for the last time.
We never were able to enjoy those walks together. By the time she and I agreed on day, it was too late. Her health had gotten to a point where she was physically able but the migraine pain and the vertigo made it too difficult.
Today I wrestle through why God would take this dear one while so young and with so much more to give. I wrestle with how a man and children make it through a life without one that they thought they would always have. I wrestle with having missed out on knowing her more deeply.
The Bible says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called to His purpose.” {Romans 8:28} I KNOW this is TRUTH. And I KNOW God will receive glory in this. But I would be lying if I said I’m completely reconciled to this right now. As I work through it with friends that are also grieving, but most importantly with my God, I am questioning, but trusting Him in that questioning.
Christen is rejoicing with the Angels and has been spared the hurt, pain and fallings of this earth to enter eternity earlier than what we think is “her time.” But His timing in all things is perfect. Some things of God really are a mystery. But even in that, I truly do not believe there is any other option than trusting the One who knit us all in our mothers’ wombs and who created this earth and sovereignly rules over it all.
We all need you Lord, now and always.
Read MoreThe benefit of weird habits
I have this very strange habit of clicking on links from tweets, e-mails, whatever, and letting tab after tab open in my Mozilla Firefox browser and then forgetting about these oh-so-very-important articles/devotionals/new studies. I’ll let them sit there for weeks on end before I finally go back and “clean house.” If you didn’t know, Firefox has this great feature when you close the browser it asks you if you’d like to save all the tabs you have open. And I of course always click yes.
Well, this weird habit of mine actually proved useful today as I was cleaning house and stumbled upon this blog post through The Gospel Coalition. I must have opened it a couple weeks ago but today it seems even more relevant and timely than it would have been then. I wish I could say I read this prayer and suddenly felt better about the season of change I think I am in, see I’m not even totally sure it’s a season of change, but I don’t. But I do know there is TRUTH in this devotion and while I might want to feel better the fact of the matter is, sometimes we have to choose trust and then our feelings follow.
I hope this ministers to you :-) I’ll be pasting this in my journal and going back it to frequently.
A Prayer of Trust for Seasons of Change
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life. Psalm 143:8
Dear heavenly Father, in the morning, at mid-day, in the afternoon and throughout the night, keep on bringing us word of your unfailing love. That’s all we need, that’s all we really need. By the Holy Spirit, incessantly gossip the gospel in our inmost ear. Wrap the good news of your boundless, endless affections around our hearts, tighter and tighter and tighter. Permeate every bit of our being with your fresh mercies, steadfast love and transforming grace, for we have put our trust in you.
Father, it’s the assurance of your unfailing love which enables us to trust you with the transitions we go through in life and the uncertainties about the future. Change is never easy. Change makes us feel vulnerable, fearful and insecure.
We get tempted, once again, to be our own savior. Spare us that misery, Father, spare us and those we love. May our broken cisterns hold bitter water and our idols of choice fail us quickly. May your Word dwell in us richly; your peace rule in us powerfully; and your glory be our main passion and delight.
We’ve entrusted our lives to you, Father, because you alone are trustworthy. We’ve given you our sins, wounds, brokenness and weakness. Now, in fresh surrender, we give you our planning for the next season of our lives. Show us the way we should go through our transitions—transitions of age and stage; career and calling; health and finances; relationships and ministries. Write stories of redemption beyond our wildest dreams and hopes. It’s all about you, Jesus, not us, you.
We’re not so arrogant as to expect all the details. Just take us by the hand and lead the way. Father, continue to open doors we cannot shut and shut doors we cannot open. All we need to know is that you love us and that you’re with us. You’ve promised us both, and you do not lie. So very Amen, we pray, in Jesus’ peerless and priceless name.
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